BIRTHDAY FOR A BANDWIDTH ADDICT DRAFT 4 - 21 - 95
PRE-SHOW
[MUSIC: GUITAR THING] [SLIDES : MONITOR / TEXT: WORLD PREMEIRE, ETC]] [DATA: COFFEE MUG] [FILM: SMOKE LOOP]
[MUSIC: SPIDER UNDERSCORE] [LIGHTS : DS ALLEY]
(ERIC ENTERS)
DERECK
Let me tell you a story, about babies switched at birth, and the remarkable events that formed and shaped lives that could have been with what they are.
(ERIC PUSHES KEYBOARD BUTTONS AS HE CROSSES STAGE)
[DATA: HOT JAVA HOMESTAGE]
[IMAGE#1: FRONT OF THEATER IMAGE #2: BANNER IMAGE #3 STAGE]
(ERIC RAISES BOTH HANDS OVER HIS HEAD WHEN THEY COME DOWN ON THE KEYBOARD)
[MUSIC: SPIDER SONG] [LIGHTS: RAMP UP] [SLIDES: STARS/NOWHERE BAND LOGO] [GUITAR POWER CHORD/BAND SINGS CHORD]
[ISABEL AND BAND COME DOWNSTAGE]
[FILM: AIRPLANE] [SCREEN OUT/ SCREEN IN] [SLIDES: MONITOR]
ISABEL
Spiders get Passing through the net Fine cuisine Exotic dinner stew All the bugs you can eat Best of all it's on the house Spiders spin a net And get to eat the local bugs Spiders spin a net, that's best And get to eat bugs,!
DERECK
Oops, I dumped it! (DERECK HITS HEAD)
[MUSIC: SPIDER SONG] [DATA: TELEPROMPTER]
SONG
Spiders get Passing through the net Fine cuisine Exotic dinner stew All the bugs you can eat Best of all it's on the house Spiders spin a net And get to eat the local bugs Spiders spin a net, that's best And get to eat bugs, oh!
[SLIDES: GREEN LEAVES] [SLIDES: DATE, APRIL 25, 1955] [FILM: BABY] [LIGHTS: RAMP OUT]
ERIC
My mother was a schoolteacher. She instilled in me a sense of purpose.
[SLIDES: STARFEILD]
MOM
Eric, son. There are things you should know. This is the world.
[FILM: GLOBE DEFLATES]
Now look closely dear, it's something I want you to investigate. There are natural disasters, earthquakes, floods and fires.
[FILM: GLOBE OUT]
Cities are destroyed. People die. FIX IT.
ERIC
Mom's assignments were usually due on Tuesdays with varying degrees of difficulty. My father was an economist. From him I got religion.
DAD
Eric, there are some things you should know. This is the world.
[FILM: GLOBE INFLATES]
Eric, you can make a difference. Because if you don't, there will be market downturns, write-offs, bad loans, insolvencies, no software. Now make yourself useful. Add value to something. For every business that succeeds, three fail.
ERIC
I know how the world works!
[DATA: ADD CASH FLOW]
But Dad, look on the bright side, even in a depression, we need people to keep track of the money we don't have.
DAD
Now you go out and make a success of yourself. You have until you are 40.
[FILM AND DATA: OUT]
ERIC
And what if I fail?
DAD
Well, I suppose you could take your own life.
[FILM: SKELETON]
Look, Eric, this is your future.
MOM
This is an option, Son. Explore your options.
ERIC
I'd like to think it over.
[SOUND: SKELETON BONES CRASH SOUND]
ERIC
I've decided. I will add value to something. I will invent things. I will produce products that change the world. I will do it. I will.
DAD
That's my son. But remember, it must be more than just a great product.
MOM
That's right, Eric. It will have to be really, really great. It must be a killer.
DAD
Killer, Eric.
ERIC
Yes, I will do it. I will find the killer app.
[SLIDE: KILLER APP] [SOUND: MUSIC UNDERSCORE CHANG]
(ERIC EXITS)
DAD
Good luck, son.
MOM
Find the killer app, boy.
DAD
He'll do it, too. I remember once when he was only five years old, he ran up to me from behind and slapped me with a copyright infringement suit.
MOM
Yes, he was always precocious. Remember his high school science project?
DAD
Yes, I do. It was a specially-designed condom open at both ends.
[SLIDE: CONDOM]
MOM
Clever. He said it was for Catholics against birth control who needed something to reduce the pleasure.
DAD
Now, we all were young once.
MOM
If only he could keep his mind on one thing at a time. We shouldn't have let him go to Berkeley (cries).
DAD
It's not your fault. He jut got into the wrong crowd. You see Eric had a problem. He, . . . he, . . .
MOM
He drank.
DAD
He drank.
MOM
He drank.
DAD
He drank too much coffee.
MOM
If I had known all he was going to do was to stay up late drinking espresso coffee and talking with people about things he knew nothing about, I would have sent him to art school.
DAD
We caught him writing on the bathroom wall,
MOM
" Eunuchs rule!"
DAD
They do.
MOM
But Eunuchs cut themselves off . . .
DAD
We couldn't understand him. We thought he might have had A.D.D.
[SLIDE: A.D.D.]
MOM
Attention deficit disorder. How were we to know?
[SLIDE: BUILD] [LIGHTS: RAMP UP]
ERIC
I didn't have attention deficit disorder. I had SACS.
DAD and MOM
SACS?
[SLIDE: S.A.C.S.]
ERIC
Surplus Attention Capacity Syndrome.
[SLIDE: BUILD]
MOM & DAD
How were we to know?
MOM
Well, at least it has a name. Eric, is there a cure for surplus capacity?
ERIC
Surplus Attention Capacity is not a disease, it's a dream! You see, as a person who has surplus attention capacity I need more and more bandwidth to feed my craving to fill my great immense capacity for information. I can process more information than I can get.
DAD
But son, we get the weather channel.
ERIC
It's frankly just not enough. I want to know the weather on Mars, Venus, and Pluto. I can read, listen and scan simultaneously dozens of reports, conversations and newscasts. But, I can't get it, send it or process it in the 10th of a second I'm willing to spend waiting for it. So I tell myself that if I could have just a little more bandwidth I could find a killer app and get this bandwidth monkey off my back.
And, by the way, my name is not Eric it's Derek.
[SOUND: GOSPEL MUSIC BUMP]
MOM & DAD
Hello, Dereck!
DERECK
And yes, it's true, I do have a problem . I'm a bandwidth addict.
[LIGHTS: RAMP OUT / DS FADEOUT] [SLIDES: TITLES x3]
[SLIDES: TOWER SATELLITTE] [LIGHTS: UP ON ALLEY]
(ADDICT PROBING RIGHT)
[FILM: LUMINA] [SFX: ARCADE]
(ADDICT STANDS, BEGINS TO WALK RIGHT)
[FILM: OUT] [SLIDES: SATELLITE DISH IN FIELD] [SFX: BEEPING - VISUAL AS ADDICT EXTENDS PROBE RIGHT]
(ADDICT HOLDS PROBE STRAIGHT UP)
[SFX: WARP SOUNDS] [DATA: STORM ON EDGE OF SATELLITE ANTENNAE - UPPER STAGE RIGHT]
(ADDICT MOVES PROBE ACROSS DISH - RIGHT TO LEFT)
[DATA: STORM FOLLOWS BETWEEN WIRE] [SFX: HOLD THAT LINE] [SLIDE: LAST SATELLITE]
(ADDICT SHOOTS UP)
[DATA: STORMS DIES OUT] [SFX: HEAVEY BREATHING]
(SISTER QUAGMIRE ENTERS FROM RIGHT)
[SLIDE: GREEN WIRE ROOM] [MUSIC: "GOSPEL"] [DATA: LYRICS WHEN READY]
SISTER QUAGMIRE
SONG
Let me help you to find out Why your data is corrupted Garbage in, Garbage out Can you see, can you work it out
What do you do whenit slows up? What do you do when it breaks up? What do you do when it blows up? How do you make it crash free?
[LIGHTS: RAMP LIGHTS UP] [FILM: FISH] [SLIDES: NET] [DATA: BUBBLES WHEN READY]
CHOIR
Plug me in - Plug me in
SISTER QUAGMIRE
Whoa, whoa, whoa, weeeeee.
END OF SONG
[LIGHTS: RAMP OUT / DS FULL] [FILM: FISH OUT] [DATA: BUBBLES OUT] [SLIDES: FISHING POND]
[SFX: POND NOISES] [LIGHTS: ALLEY UP] [SLIDES: "IN RECOVERY"]
(ADDICT ENTERS FROM LEFT)
[SLIDE: "IN RECOVERY" OUT]
(SISTER QUAGMIRE CROSSES TO SIGN - LOOKS AT ADDICT, THEN TURNS THE SIGN "BURIED CABLE")
[FILM: ACID BUBBLES] [SFX: GURGGLING]
(ADDICT SNAGS CABLE, BRINGS CABLE IN NET)
SISTER QUAGMIRE
Oh, why is there no fish in his net. Is your net like your life, a holy mess?
DEREK
What are you doing here? I don't want to be hallucinating when I'm trying to fish. Don't you know I'm on a doctored ordered vacation.
SISTER QUAGMIRE
Why can't you make it work?
DEREK
Why can't I make it work ? Because I'm 40 years old today --- that's why! Do you know anything about killer apps? Better yet, I could use a cup of hot coffee.
SISTER QUAGMIRE
Oh, he is tempted --- (snaps her finger)
[LIGHTS: RAMP OUT] [SFX: TYMPANI BOING]
--- tempted by the killer app. He is a slave to the killer app. Today is his 40th birthday and he is looking for the killer app! Have you found it? Have you found the killer app?
DEREK
(Enters from left talking on the telephone)
[SFX: PHONE RINGS] [DECK: RAMP TO MID] [LIGHTS: RAMP UP]
Hello, is this the local service provider? Yes, well, I have an idea for a killer app, it's a service
TESTA
(ON RAMP)
So you've got a killer app. What's the target market? Who needs it?
DEREK
Well, it's a service for people who are always on line and can't get off, even when they go into a recovery program, like me. I'm here fishing, I am trying to not be on line, but I have accidentally snagged a high capacity T-3 trunk line and I'm, I'm going to tap in again unless --- unless there was a service to force people like me to get professional help - - - like an intervention. The service works like this, you call 1-800-abduct me ---
[SLIDE: TEXT: 1-800-ABDUCT ME] [SFX: BUZZER]
--- and you get thrown into the back of a 1968 Chrysler Imperial and you disappear.
TESTA
That's it, that's you idea of a killer app, it's pitiful!
DEREK
Wait -- I have a less pitiful idea for the killer app. It's called TelePrompTers On-line.
[SLIDE: TEXT: TELEPROMPTERS ON LINE] [SFX: BUZZER]
TESTA
TelePrompTers on-line? What's the need, is there a market?
DEREK
This is a killer app! Using the world wide web, we connect to newsroom TelePrompTers and the newscast anchor person reads the news that you've written from your home, or from a portable lap top while on a fishing trip. Like this. [He types]
[SLIDE: HOME PAGE BEZZLE] [DATA: TELEPROMPTER] [VIDEO: NEWSCASTER]
Stinks, squaller, and serendipity, etc, etc., etc.
[LIGHTS: RAMP OUT] [DATA: TELEPROMPTER OUT]
(ADLIB INTERACTIONS)
STAGE MANAGER
Ok, let's take it in 5 - 4- 3 - 2 -
NEWSCASTER
Stinks, squaller, and serendipity, etc, etc., etc.
(ADLIB INTERACTIONS)
Media professionals like myself are caught in the crossfire, etc.etc.etc.
[DATA: TELEPROMPTER IN]
BARUMP
[DATA: TELEPROMPTER OUT] [VIDEO: OUT]
DERECK
It's no use I'm going to tap in again!
(DEREK eats the cable)
[SFX: ELECTRIC ZAP]
Hello ? the line's dead. Oh well,
(DERECK runs the wire through his mouth)
[DATA: DIGITAL STUFF] [SFX: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ET.AL."]
SISTER QUAGMIRE
Stop the music!
[SOUND: UNDERSCORE OUT] [DATA: OUT - SFX: OUT] [LIGHTS: ALLEY UP - RAMP OUT]
Tell us brother, Tell us how have you become overloaded with so much unsupported demand in your life.
DERECK
I believed . . .
SISTER
Testify !
DERECK
I beleived . . . I was immuned from Bandwidth Addiction! I wouldn't get hooked, other people might, but not me! I've read the literature. I participated in the focus groups, ah, Focus groups are what lead me astray, though they are the most powerful tools we have for identifying self-delusional group liars.
[FILM: MICE]
Oh, I beleived their lies. See! Theses are focus groups in action. See that? They're checking each others answers. And what do they tell us you want?
[LIGHTS: RAMP UP]
SUSAN
According to the rats in this room, 90% of you want more bandwidth, 0% want less bandwidth, and 12% will settle for slightly more than what is now possible.
DERECK
And what does that tell us you need?
[LIGHTS: ALLEY UP]
ADLAI
Bandwidth, Bandwidth!
DERECK
Must be bandwidth.
MOM
Eric, Dereck, Dereck, Eric, Happy Birthday son.
[LIGHTS: RAMP/ALLWY OUT]
DERECK
Mom, I think I found the Killer app.
MOM
If your father was still around, perhaps then, he would be proud of you. What exactly is it?
DERECK
It's a Bandwidth Deprivation Response Indicator.
[DATA: METER]
MOM
That's nice, what does it do?
DERECK
You see, I can choose any member of the audience here, and give them this meter to hold, and we can measure , at this very moment, how much anxiety they are feeling by the sweat from this palm.
MOM
But what threatens one's bandwidthg?
DERECK
Oh, let's say, net news.
[DATA / SLIDE: SEQUENCE]
MOM
He's getting clammy.
DERECK
Data Base query?
MOM
You're damp
DERECK
World-wide Web?
MOM
You're absolutely moist!
DERECK
Multi-Media?
MOM
You're all soaking wet!!!
DERECK
How many of you will survive the biggest capacity hog of them all, Distributed Virtual Reality!!!
[SLIDE: Virtual Reality] [SOUND: WOMAN AND MAN SCREAM IN THE DISTANCE]
[SFX: SEAT EXPLOSIONS] [LIGHTS: SEAT STROBES] [DATA: GRAPH /change diapers]
DERECK
Someone needs to go and dry off somewhere.
[DATA: METER OUT]
There's only one hope for people out of control, like us, call 1-800-Abduct me!
[SLIDE : 1-800- Abduct Me ] [SFX: SIRENS] [VIDEO: NEWSCASTERS - ABDUCTION SCENE] [LIGHTS: DS OUT ]
MOTHER
Yes, you'll be wisked away to hot Javaopolis by a band of professional media interventionists where you will receive a complete ^^ . If you've spent so much time in front of your terminal you have no friends to call on to force you to confront the chaos of your bandwidth problems. Call the professionals at Hot Java.
DERECK
My journrey to Hot javaopolis was quite painles really. There I was in the trunk of the car falling off into a carbon monoxidslumber.
[SLIDE; CIRCUIT BOARD CITY] [FILM: CAR]
Don't wait till you become a capacity hog,
[SLIDE: HOG] [SFX: PIGS]
call now, while you are just capacity piglets.
[LIGHTS : ALLEY OUT]
[SLIDES: BLUE RINGS] [MUSIC: SONG MAKEOVER] [FILM: TRUNK SEQUENCE] [LIGHTS: UP ON LOW RAMP] [LIGHTS: OUT ON RAMP]
[FILM: CUCUMBER EYE MAN] [SLIDES: BARBER SHOP] [LIGHTS: UP ON RAMP]
[SLIDES: SATELITTE COP]
[SFX: TIRE SCREAKS AND DOOR SLAM]
OFFICER COP
Evidence at the scene indicates that the perpetrator and the abducted party may be the same person. However, witnesses familiar with the case claim that on April 25, 1955 as a child, he was accidentally switched at birth with another child as yet unknown, thought to be working for a large solar energy company of some kind in California.
[MUSIC: REGGAE]
The party in custody here today seems to have exceeded legally permitted limits of high octane caffeine consumption over capacitating his nervous system and blowing his mind.
DERECK
My nervous system is my mind.
[SLIDES: RETURN TO SWAMP] [FILM: PARADE]
MISTER
I went into it kicking and screaming. I didn't really want any Hot Java, but I needed it. Now when I accidentally snag a big one, I reach for a cup of steaming Hot Java.
REGGAE SONG
(verse/chorus)
[DATA: COFFEE CUP / ACTION ] [DATA: COFFE CUP OUT] [LIGHTS UP ON RAMP]
SISTER QUAGMIRE
There are people out there who are quite frankly out of the mainstream of network culture who would like to change the way we manage things. Like forcing tools down our throats that would end up making our jobs easier . Well, hell, I don't want my job easier! I don't choose the easy way! Hear me, my brothers, and sisters of the quagmire,
SUSAN
"Pathological Network Behavior will always be with us".
SISTER QUAGMIRE
Praise be to the Quagmire!
REGGAE FINALE
(SEE HOW HIGH)
[LIGHTS: UP ON RAMP] [LIGHTS: DISCO] [FILM: FISH - CUE : LAST MIDDLE SEE HOW - ON HOW]
[LIGHTS OUT] [LIGHTS UP: DS CURTAIN CALL] [SLIDES: CREDITS]
[MUSIC: GOSPEL]
MOTHER
Thank you for being here and letting us pour you a cup of Hot Java.
[HOUSE LIGHTS - UP]
END OF SHOW